I'm not upset.. well, not in the angry sense. However, for some reason, I feel depressed again. And kind of lonely. As you can see, this is progressing into yet another depressing journal. Just a warning. I typically don't like to write how I'm feeling unless I feel like it'll build up and make me feel worse in time. So here I go...

I'm lonely. Why does it feel like most of the people I know, whether friends at school or my family, have that -one- person? Favorite sibling, best, best, best friend? My sister, Lauren, has my brother, Chris. Chris has Lauren. Erin has Gavin and... Lauren, probably. I know I'm loved, thank God for that. I'm just wondering if I can have someone like that and have them feel the same way? -sighs- I suppose that seems selfish, doesn't it? ..I take it back?

Lol. Why do I feel so insecure and feel the need to pick apart anything someone says? Oh, I know the usual deal. "You're special and beautiful, so why don't you believe that?" I don't know. I don't know why I know deep down, or at least believe, that I am and yet still have that constant uncertainty.

It pains me that I feel this even around my family. I love them and yet I have this.. dislike growing toward them? There are moments that I feel like I really hate them and yet quickly squash that emotion with something not as hostile. Why? Maybe it's because apparently, I'm a selfish brat who doesn't help out her family enough and is part of what's wrong with this family. Or so says my sister. Ily2.

I used to be really depressed a few years ago; I'd cry myself to sleep and wonder what my point in this world was. Not that I was suicidal, mind you. But I'd wonder what my purpose was.. I really hope that I don't get to that point in my life again. Or maybe, like a saying, I've simply been 'color blind to the colors of the heart'...whatever.

Don't worry about me. Last time, I said that I'd be better and I was for a while, right? I promise that I'll be better this time too, most likely by tomorrow.

I'm not looking for sympathy or anything of the sort. I just needed to write and vent and express how I was feeling and it's actually helped a lot more than I originally expected it to.

If I've told you that I love you, I mean it~ <3333333